Facing The Past- Intimacy vs. Isolation

 Caption: Man and Divorce

Photo Credit: Elena Cavinato

 

Abstract

 

Overcoming each developmental crisis in the psychosocial theory as developed by Erik Erikson, is critical in healthy development throughout the lifespan of an individual. In the case that a crisis is not properly resolved, one must confront the related stage of development in order to prepare him or herself for the next stage of life. Although many people will go through certain stages of development in a similar timeframe, circumstances may arise that cause a person to revert to a previous stage that was not adequately resolved. In an interview done with “Paul”, separation in his marriage caused him to regressed back to an earlier stage of intimacy vs. isolation. The negative effects that caused Paul’s regression to a previous stage not only generated conflict with initiating new relationships, but also uncovered the lack of self-identity that was present in his life.

Interview

I recently had the opportunity to interview a gentleman about the stage of life that he currently finds himself in. For this interview, we will conceal the identity of the man by naming him, “Paul”. After briefing Paul on the different stages of the psychosocial theory, he came to the understanding that in middle adulthood, generativity vs. stagnation is the common crisis that people will face. In this stage of development, a person is presented with the ability to care for and contribute to a future generation. However, in his current situation, Paul found himself not so much worried about his contribution in life, in that he had already raised three children, but realized that he had regressed to a previous stage of intimacy vs. isolation. Although regressing in the psychosocial theory would seem abnormal for some, at this point in his life, Paul was faced with the unfortunate circumstance of being divorced and alone. He described his situation as being one of “starting the process of life all over”.

            When Paul began to tell me about his journey in developing new relationships in his life, it became clear that having to go through this stage of development for a second time resulted in the formation of a new identity and a new self-confidence. Being married for over fifteen years, Paul had not only found a partner to live and share the rest of his life with, but had succeeded in overcoming the developmental crisis of intimacy vs. isolation. However, because of the divorce, not only was the relationship severed between him and his wife, but the very foundation of who Paul had established himself to be was stripped away. Facing the reality of broken trust and a negative view on relationships, Paul began to understand that through the unfortunate event of divorce in his life, the formation of new relationships would come to be more difficult than ever before.

Throughout the interview, we were able to draw parallels in Paul’s life with many of the different stages of the psychosocial theory. Probing into the stage of early adulthood, I asked Paul to reflect on the idea of intimacy vs. isolation and how it correlated with the development of the initial relationships established in his lifetime. Specifically, we focused on questions that dealt with the struggles, fears or accomplishments in certain relationships. These relationships eventually led up to the marriage of his first wife.

 After hearing Paul discuss this stage of his life, it was revealed that what he lacked in the full development of his personal identity role, he replaced with the idea of a relationship and a companion. In fact, Paul stated that he believes that he never fully overcame the previous crisis of identity vs. role diffusion. Thus because of the lack of personal identity in himself, Paul moved from one stage of development to another, causing a sort of “hang-up” that would later be masked over and unfortunately revealed. Paul believes that it was through the relationship with his wife that he found his identity; not because of himself.

Now, that Paul is divorced, the separation from his wife has not only caused a loss of intimacy but has also caused a loss of identity. Everything that he once knew was stripped away in an instant. He was left all alone, searching to fill a void that he didn’t know how to fill. During the interview, he asked himself over and over, “where do I go from this point in my life”, “how do I repair all of the damage that has been done because of the divorce” and “how can I trust again”. He was not only struggling with the idea of finding his “new way” in life, but was also striving to reconnect and reconcile the idea of relationships and intimacy with others.

Research

Understanding the difficulties that Paul was facing in his current stage of life, I had the opportunity to research and look at the correlation between personal identity and the affects that it has on the stage of intimacy vs. isolation. One study that I found to be helpful was in the Turkish Psychological Counselling and Guidance Journal. In the study, researchers used a scale originally created by a team from UCLA, to study the idea of romantic intimacy vs. isolation and how it relates to emerging adulthood. Using a sample of participants who were considered to be in the development stage of intimacy vs. isolation, the researchers studied the ability to initiate romantic relationships, while also corresponding those relationships with loneliness and the lack of identity that many of the participants faced.

The study recognized that through the development of relationships, a person may experience desperation and rejection in their love affairs. Therefore, these negative experiences can have negative effects on the individuals’ self-perception and identity. (2010)   As related to the interview that I had with Paul, it became clear that through the negative experience of divorce and loss of relationships in his life, his personal identity was compromised. Although according to the psychosocial stages, Paul should be facing a different crisis, negative effects in his marriage had caused him to revisit the stage of intimacy vs. isolation.           

In closing, one should note that relationships and intimacy can have a positive or negative effect on identity and cognitive development. Without a firm self-identity to begin with, combining loss and negative experiences in relationships can cause a person to revert to previous stages of development. Such as the case of Paul, having to revisit certain stages of development later in life can prove to be more difficult than before. For this reason, overcoming each stage in the psychosocial theory is necessary for healthy development.

 

 References

Ercan, L., & Eryilmaz, A., (2010). Initiating romantic intimacy at emerging adulthood: Is it intimacy or isolation? Turkish Psychological Counseling and Guidance Journal, 4 (34), pg. 126-128.